Biscuit Lovers of the World Unite

Rio has a health and body centric culture, however I have bore witness to a dark and hidden subculture that exists in the city, that of  the ‘obestos’. This group of overweight people are labelled as deviant and shunned by the beautiful people’s that populate the beaches with ass and chemically aided muscles constantly on show. After some careful investigation I realised this group must have originated from the abundance of delicious biscuits available here.  I’ve found Brazil has some of the best selection of biscuits that I’ve ever experienced, far removed from bourbons and custard creams, there has obviously been some real effort to create some badass biscuit based awesomeness.

As an athlete I like to eat like one – so this means the consumption of large quantities of said biscuits. As a matter of some importance, I thought it necessary to provide a review of the deliciousness.  I have selected 5 different varieties, which I have rated and hopefully provide you with a report on the ultimate crunch based snack. There were some rules to this, I tried to avoid using similar biscuits and flavours and also there was no products from the evil empire of Nestle, who unfortunately seem to make absolutely everything here.

They were each judged out of twenty based on four categories:

I. Deliciousness

II. Aesthetics (how pretty they are)

III. Moreishness

IV. Versatility

Pao de Mel:

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Deliciousness: 3 – Bought these guys on a bit of a whim. The name translates directly as honey bread and that’s what they essentially are, disguised as a biscuit. You have to be careful how you say ‘Pao’, if pronounced incorrectly it means penis and you don’t want to be caught asking for honey dicks at the supermarket!

Aesthetics: 4 – They look super delicious, chocolate covered awesomeness, that’s really what roped me in to giving them a whirl.

Moreishness: 1– Here was really an issue, as a dude that likes to smash a packet or three on a crazy biscuit binge session, two of them was actually enough, they were super heavy.

versatility: 0 – I had the great idea of putting them in the microwave and then spreading the melted down business on toast. What seemed to be the idea of a culinary mastermind turned out to be a big mistake. The chocolate melted leaving the honey bread stuff inside just burning. I returned to a smoked out the kitchen.

Overall: 12

Tortinhas Due – Cheesecake Geleia:

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Deliciousness: 5 – Cheesecake biscuit says it all, this is without question one of the best tasting biscuits ever. You have got the triple threat of mouth pleasure, its got icing, the crunchy base and some fruit sauce business going on.

Aesthetics: 5 – It also looks like an attractive and appealing treat, it’s sad to say but biscuits in the U.K do not look this sexy.

Moreishness: 5 – As I write this there’s two left in the pack, which I just opened to sample in order to write the blog. You literally have to smash them all. For cheat days it’s vital to get a pack of these and a pack of the lime cheesecake ones and do then both.

Versatility: 4 – On my quest for the ultimate biscuit experience, I discovered these badboys can be combined with other biscuits – for example your split an Oreo in two – pop a cheesecake delicious in the middle of it and put it back together and BOOM you’ve got that straight up gangsta biscuit sandwich.

Overall: 19

Recheadinho Goiabinha:

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Deliciousness: 5 – Fig biscuits tend to be a divisive biscuit which split opinion right down the middle, I personally love them, you can’t go wrong with a combination of dried fruit and biscuit. That is what these guys essentially are, they are figs minus the fig, this has been replaced by deliciously sweet goiaba. They taste like nothing else and due to the inclusion of fruit you can kid yourself into some nutritional value.

Aesthetics: 4 – These guys aren’t the bombshells of the biscuit world, their outer shell is very plain but what really matters is what’s on the inside right? The inner biscuit is an extremely pretty red fruity Goiaba filling.

Moreishness: 5 – The first pack of these I bought, I eat one and then decided to eat the rest of them in secret so I didn’t have to share any. Definitely moreish and could possibly lead to friendly accusations of an eating disorder.

Versatility: 0 – They struggled on versatility, there was nothing much you can do with these guys, they don’t even do dunking very well. This however shouldn’t be seen as a drawback they are amazing on their own. Although at a push they could be used as dominos.

Overall: 14

Wafer Mousse Limao:

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Deliciousness: 5 – Lime wafers, the thought of it sounds somewhat unconventional if not straight up grim, why would anyone combine the two?  But no word of a lie these guys on some next level delicious.

Aesthetics: 3 – Not your Brazilian beauty but an average looker you would have no problem introducing to your homies.

Moreishness: 5 – On a number of occasions I have brought myself to the point of actual sickness from the consumption of these wafers, it seems there is only so much wafer the human body can handle and it’s so damn hard not to eat these to the point of involuntary expulsion.

Versatility: 3 – Stick some Nutella or any relevant spread on the top of one of these and then sandwich with another and you have created a monster.

Overall: 13

Rosquinhas sabor Banana com Canela:

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Deliciousness: 3 – Whilst these guys are somewhat plain, they are a bog standard biscuit with a slight hint of banana. But for some reason I continue to be drawn to them, it’s like there is a little reminder of childhood somewhere in every single one.

Aesthetics: 1 – These guys look super unappealing, straight up Kwik Save economy 10P a packet business. Looks can obviously be deceiving though.

Moreishness: 4 – With a Coffee these become straight up crack and like any worthwhile addiction leave you alone and ashamed after nailing the a 400g bag.

Versatility: 5 – Ridiculously suited for dunking. In addition, I made the discovery that these bad-boys become just like Farley’s Rusks if you stick them in milk. Bowl full of biscuits and milk and pimped up with cinnamon = delicious and highly unnutricious meal option.

Overall: 13

The winner of the most delicious biscuit in Brazilian and maybe the world!

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Besides eating a shit load of biscuits the most awesome thing happened at the academy a few weeks ago. It was Profesor Terere’s first session back after returning from Europe. It had already been an honour that he requested to roll with me first. Things then became Super Saiyan levels of awesome when the session finished and he said that he had a gift for me. He then proceeded to present me with a Gi, not just any old kimono but his very own, that is the Gi actually worn by the greatest of all time Fernando Terere! I was literally taken aback, this was literally better than opening The Horde’s Lair on Christmas day (Sorry Dad) better than anything ever. It was super cool, he thanked me for my positive presence at the club and the hard work I put in. I thought about not wearing it and keeping it to frame but how would I get all the secret black belt powers out of it? I’m not gonna lie the Gi slept next to me that night.

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Got my man, Fernando Terere brown belt Caranguejo, showing how to destroy the guard of the most dastardly of guard players.

Also Check out my homeslice’s club at http://satoribjj.com/home/

Ran by my homies and active world level competitors John and Patrick Sheridan. If your ever in Dublin be sure to peep their academy for some Beast Mode Jiu-Jistu.

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