A Zoo Review


I would not go as far as to say that I am a zoo enthusiast but with a couple of annual trips to Chester Zoo, you could say that I am a big fan of the zoo experience. So when the dudes were making some São Paulo tourist based plans the day after the Brazilian Nationals, the zoo was the only viable option for me. Whilst in Rio I had refrained from peeping their zoo, after reading a number of reviews online, it sounded like some oppressive craziness for all the guys who live there. I am under no false pretences, zoos are made up of caged animals in man-made environments so it’s never going to be perfect but it’s not about having depressed animals having a stinking existence in abhorrent conditions, let’s give the guys some space!

After some careful consideration I decided my experience would be best documented as ‘A Zoo Review’. Whilst making my way around I came up with five categories which the zoo will be judged upon:

I.  Selection of Animals (How many dope animals there are)

II. Oppressiveness (Happy creatures with enough space to have mad fun)

III. Facilities (ability to see all the guys & places to pee)

IV. Original Features (What does SP bring to the zooing world?)

V. Awesome Experiences (the good shit that happened!)


Each category will be scored out of 5

5 representing perfect awesomeness and 0 sucking complete ass


Selection of Animals:

Straight up there was an impressive array of animals, I saw mad species I’d never even heard of before, I suppose this should be a given as we are in South America and not Cheshire. What impressed me the most was their selection of big cats including; Jaguars, Pumas, a Siberian Tiger, a Bengali Tiger, Caracals, Jaguarundis, Geoffroy’s Cats and a Serval. I never seen half of these guys in the flesh before, so this was absolutely delicious. It was on some seriously next level, quintessential dope shit seeing a Siberian White Tiger right in front of me, these guys have been my ultimate favourite animals since I was a little dude. Homeboy was doing his thing that day as well, stomping around the spot and having a bit of a yawn. I can’t say I have ever been taken aback by a yawn before but when dude laced one, the size of his gullet and those killer teeth, I was like ‘holy shit, that’s a yawn!’.


There was an entire house dedicated to ants. Now I can’t say I’m a massive ant lover but apparently the amazon holds over 1000 known species which is pretty impressive but the ant house itself just looked like a shit load of ants in tubes to me. Also the zoo sported a whole house exclusively for frogs of different varieties, shapes and colours. I’d say the frog is kind of a fringe animal in most people’s eyes, but you got to give props to the zoo for showing them a whole lot of love.


The White Rhinos were straight up diesel, they have got to be the most jacked up dudes in the animal kingdom. The guys were some pre-historic smashing machines business. Whilst the Maned wolves were also straight up gangsta not quite Direwolf level but dudes looked like they were ready to scran some kids if given the opportunity. The Golden Lion Tamarin’s might have been my underground favourite animal of the day. They were cool as hell and everyone of them looked like Lion-O, after a quick bit of Wiki research I was disappointed to discover they are native to Southeastern Brazil not Thunderia.

Score: 5


As soon as we entered the zoo the African elephants were the first guys we saw. Unfortunately my dudes were not rocking the space I felt that was necessary for them to be doing their thing in comfort. I immediately felt the spirit of Tony Jaa deep inside me and was about to start kneeing and elbowing everyone in sight until all were liberated but immediately thought better of it. This set the alarm bells ringing though.


We peeped the Jaguar who was another sick guy, but dude was pacing around in this tiny glassed area, homeboy was walking around and around in these little ass laps and looked bored as hell. To add to my sinking levels of enthusiasm, the bird cages ranged from sucking ass to completely sucking ass. The very idea of keeping a bird in a cage kinda stinks, however you look at it that shit is oppressive, there is something totally oxymoronic about keeping a creature with the ability to soar hundreds of feet restricted with ten feet of roof. By now I’m thinking this is gonna be a real stinking shitter. But I was relieved to find it did get better, the giraffes had hella space, the tigers and lions each a decent size environment to roam. Strangely enough the flamingos seemed to have been given the best deal, they had a whole lake to themselves, Brazilians obviously loves them some flamingos.

Score: 2




Check out the aesthetic beauty of this nurse’s station, I’d never seen anything like this, kids must actively get themselves lost or hurt just so they can come and chill in such a sweet building. I’d imagine that the nurse working inside must be this heavenly sent creature with the healing powers of Jesus, the personality of Natalie Portman and the body of Jessica Rabbit.


Then there was the toilets and oh man were they awesome. To begin there was so many, which in itself was quite amazing, you can’t find a toilet anywhere in Rio and peeing in the street is an arrestable offence or at very least will get you a good slap off the policia. These toilets were not only plentiful but huge in size, absolutely no cubical queueing to be seen anywhere. Keen pride was also taken by the professionals manning these bad-boys as they were in amazing condition, super well looked after and fully stocked in all toilet essentials a human being could possibly require. I’m happy to report that they got the attention they deserved that day after the all you can eat pizza session the homies and me smashed the day before.

Score: 5

Original Features:

The zoo had it’s very own safari trip, which I thought was a super sweet feature. Unfortunately we arrived at the safari at 4.03 and the bad-boy closed at 4.00, so that sucked slightly. But I’m going to give them the benefit of the doubt and assume that the safari experience would have been an awesome one.

Something that really made the experience was the vantage points that had been created so all the visitors could effectively see the animals inside their areas. These special standing stations were built up from the ground so you were pretty much on the same level as the animals at all times. Even the little guys could see their favourite animals, this clever design managed to completely elevate crying little girls standing on Dad’s swede when she couldn’t see the hippos.

This being said I did notice possibly the most dumb-ass piece of zoo design. The Sea Lions who I happen to be a big fan of were housed in an area where it was completely impossible to actually see them. From the standing station you could only see the corner of a pool where the guys were obviously laughing, frolicking and doing their Sea Lion thing.

Score: 3

Awesome experiences:

Quite frankly this day at the zoo provided me with one of the most learned experiences of my entire life and also gave me a lesson in how to ineffectively pleasure a lady. When we first arrived at the giraffes, romance was definitely in the air. The male and female were having a good snuggle, the male was rubbing his head up and down the female’s neck, it all looked rather passionate and loving. What I wasn’t expecting was this whopping thing that started to extend from his nether regions. This hella long, super pink pole with what appeared to be a hook on the end, crept slowly out of its shell like it was observing the terrain for danger. Then BOOM dude dives in with this massive pink lance BUT she was not having any of it. Mr Long Dong slowly crept back in again. Dude thinking better of it went right back to the snuggle rubbing. By the time the dong came out again a large crowd of adults with their children had gathered and proceeded to clap and point but alas he got rejected once again. Personally I don’t blame her, 30 people cheering you on doesn’t really do it for most people.

Dude didn’t give up though and third times a charm right? As dude began his ascension, he was fully sure of himself this time. He attempted the mount but she pulled away at literally the last second, POP he just couldn’t hold it anymore and sprayed anyway. I witnessed pints of this stuff just gush down the females leg spilling out onto the floor. I was certain I heard her whisper the ‘it happens to all guys’ line before she strode off to the other side of the area. Premature ejaculations in the animal kingdom who knew? Everyone was loving it, kids and parents were clapping, people were filming, a real uplifting experience!


IMG_3237   IMG_3235

Another awesome experience was seeing a Gato-do-mato-grande scran a mouse. Dude started by biting the mouse’s head off and having a good munch on it, the graphic horror of the scene was added too when a little girl next to me began to cry. Then it dropped the corpse and began to pull out and eat its organs. Finally, when it had got all the good shit out, it picked up the rest and shoved in down its swede, you could hear the bones crack as dude chewed its way through. I was throughly mesmerised at the carnage.


Score: 5

I had an awesome day at the zoo with the homies, I got to see my favourite ever animal, a giraffe bust his nut and use the best ever selection of toilet facilities in the whole of Brazil. I was not impressed with some of the minuscule sized areas and environments that the guys had to live in, although they did appear to be well looked after but it must suck ass not having that room and freedom.

Overall score: 20




Fisher Price ‘My First Staph’

Back on the mats, when I saw this beast on my foot I was sure that I was a full on ‘aids-spreader’ having caught the monster staph. As well as being stigmatised and a virtual outcast of society rocking this puss filled hole in my foot, I wouldn’t be able to train for 10 or so days which would really suck more than anything that has ever sucked before. However a surprisingly short trip to the UPA revealed it was only a slight infection lets say the Chlamydia of the Jiu-Jitsu based infection world and but one which was fortunately not contagious!


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